Honesty and Grace

Recently, I've found that being honest is one of the most freeing things. Being honest with others and myself and God feels so good. The past 3 months I have really struggled with honesty, because honesty is admitting where I fail. I've struggled to answer the question "How are you?" with truth. Because, honestly, the past 3 months have been hard. And saying that makes me feel like I've failed. I've failed at going to school at the place that is my dream. I've failed at making this time and money count. And, well, I could keep going. But what I'm learning about failure is grace. Grace! I honestly wish I could convey my excitement about this right now, but I think its impossible. Grace is such a cliche heard-it-all-my-life word, but when you really stop and think about it, IT IS SO COOL. So awesome. So undeservedly good and redeeming. Grace is freedom. Through Christ and his gift of grace I have the freedom to fail. And through that same grace I have the ability to get back up again, cling to my Savior and continue to try. The gospel is the most beautiful thing, friends. I am so thankful to be in a place, even one that is hard, where that beauty is made more real to me everyday.

Will your grace run out

If I let you down 

‘Cause all I know

Is how to run

Will you call me child

When I tell you lies 

Cause all I know 

Is how to cry 

‘Cause I am a sinner 

If its not one thing its another

Caught up in words 

Tangled in lies 

You are the Savior 

And you take brokenness aside

And make it beautiful 

Beautiful 

-Brokenness Aside All Sons and Daughters 

 

Today I was thinking about where I am right now and how absolutely crazy it is that I am here. Never in my life would I have thought the place I went to middle school camp would become my home..the place I walked around a year ago with my best friend and swore was too small for me. Never in my life did I think I would get to go to Hawaii, let alone live there for 3 months. Never in my life did I think I would travel to so many places of the world for the sake of the gospel. I never thought I would go to Montana or have 6 deep heart friends that I lived with for 8 months.  I never thought my sister would be my best friend. I never thought my heart would be torn and left in SO many places. And I really never thought that I would love Jesus enough to follow him on this crazy ride...but I am SO glad that by His grace I do. 

I am thankful for this reminder of God's crazy unthinkable plans for me. It gives me such hope in the wild future I know we will have together, even when college seems never ending (and its only the 2nd month) and the trouble of today seems overwhelming. 

I challenge you to stop and listen to where God is leading, like right now. Give your plans, your hopes and your dreams up to Him- hold on to them loosely- and see where He leads. It may not make sense, but one day you'll look back and know that God is trustworthy and right and good,

  at least I know I do. 

Encountering Jesus

This is a picture that speaks deeply to my heart. A picture of a boy-turned-dragon, wanting nothing more than to be a boy again. A boy who was so blind to his ugliness that it took something like turning into literal ugliness for him to see it. A boy, who staring into the face of this ugliness, cannot do anything about it on his own. And then comes the Lion. Who rips deep into the ugly dragon skin and pulls it off. Who says to the boy, "Let me clothe you," and dresses him in new clothing.

This is a picture of me. Realizing that my sins are overwhelming. unfixable. ugly. Realizing that I on my own, cannot do this. And encountering my Savior in a way that forever changes me, made new under His loving and capable hands. With Him, all is possible.

This is a picture of the Gospel in all its beauty. A picture of saving grace, that undeservedly covers us all. I am thankful today for this reminder, and the challenge to take this encounter with Jesus and love others better because of it. Because He first loved, I may love all the more.

Eustace renewed

(story from Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader)

Passion

I have been remarkably silent in these past four months. Honestly, I can't believe that it has been that long since I've held my sweet babies and laughed with my YWAM family. My heart has been remarkably silent in these last four months too. I have been comfortably living a simple life with a silent heart. And in the midst of this silence that has been slowly choking my faith, God spoke. I had the privilege of visiting a dear friend in Montana this past weekend. While there, I got to attend a simulcast of the Global Leadership Summit, which was amazing. Two of the speakers really struck me. They got up and spoke about the mission they were on as leaders against injustice. Their words were filled with passion, and it was evident that their lives overflowed with it. Listening to them made something in my heart ache. As I reflected on it later, I heard it. Passion. I have been living for a very long time with out passion. I've been living in the motions and on the tail end of others passion, but I have yet to make it my own. I have yet to deeply and passionately love my Abba- in a day to day reckless pursuit of him. I have yet to gain His passionate heart for the world- in a day to day prayerfully loving way. I have yet to let passion inspire me and drive me to greater than the average. I want passion. A strong and barely controllable emotion. I want to feel that about my Savior. I want to love him in a barely controllable, or better yet, uncontrollable way. I want to be driven in my pursuit of Him and his Kingdom on this earth.

After realizing this, I have begun to wonder what I truly could be passionate about, and where those passions might take me. I love kids, I love other countries, and my heart breaks for injustice, yet I find no passion. And then He spoke again. He spoke about culture. About the ways that cultures nourish poverty and injustice. He has been speaking about this for a while, but now the newfound hole in my heart for passion leaps. He has given me vision. I want to change cultures. With the gospel as my lead, I want to change the norm. I want to change the cultures that say its okay for daddies to sell their little girls. The cultures that say its okay for men to take horrific advantage of those innocent children. I want to change the cultures that base all they are on false gods. The ones that sacrifice so much time and money, when they have none, to try and satisfy made up idols. I want to change cultures that say the poor are worthless- and that they will never be anything different. The cultures that pride themselves on taking advantage of those less fortunate. The ones that shun the orphan and the widow and the sick. I want to bring the hope of the One who makes all things new. I want to bring the truth of the One who gives us all equal worth. I want to bring the name of the One who was and is and is to come. The Lord has given me passion. For his name to be made great and his people to know who they are in him. 

This is why I am right now sitting in my new home, Covenant College in Chattanooga, TN. I will be studying community development and pursuing this passion that the Lord has placed in me. I am excited. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for this, and I'm ready for a crazy ride!


I pray that you will all be stirred to passion by our Lord Jesus, who loves us in such a passionate way.

Thankful

It is so easy to forget how blessed I have been in this life so far, but today I am thankful. I'm thankful for the places that the Lord has led me. I'm thankful for the hands I've held and the smiles I've seen. I'm thankful for the names and stories I know. For the faces that give me a heart for injustice. For the dirty streets I've walked down and played duck duck goose in. I'm thankful that I've gotten to watch the sunset off the coast of Bali and Hawaii and Tijuana and Florida. That I've lived life in Knoxville and Thailand and Hong Kong. I'm thankful for the people that have walked beside me on these journeys. For the lessons I've learned and the crazy steps of faith its taken to learn them. The Lord has blessed me to see His heart around this world. Its so easy for me to forget that this is not a normal thing…I am a privileged child of God. I am privileged to know a side of His heart that not all do. I am privileged to be trusted with what He has given me. And today, as I sit in awe of Him and His plans, I am thankful. 

Now That I Have Seen...

There's this song that I have liked for the past couple of years. The main line that sticks out to me is this: "Now that I have seen, I am responsible." (Albertine, by Brooke Fraser) The song is talking about seeing poverty and death and the hurts of this world. In response to seeing those things, Brooke Fraser feels responsible. Responsible to tell the world and stand up for what she has seen. In the past I have agreed with her and felt that same burden. But for some reason the past couple weeks I have been fighting with that statement. I've been thinking things like, "Why, God, did you choose me to see? Why do I hold this responsibility? Why couldn't I be blind to these things and live a normal simple life?" 

I really haven't begun to comprehend these past seven months, but one thing I do know is that it has been HARD. Giving up things for the Lord isn't some glorious easy cake walk. I think I always thought it was  decently easy. In my missions experience I got glimpses of the hardness, but I never really had to give anything up to follow the Lord. I know what I've given up doesn't compare to the stories of many Christians around the world, but it has taught me a lot. Being out of the U.S for four months, constantly serving and giving myself, was a lot harder than I expected. The past few weeks I've been at a point of surrender. I feel exhausted, I can't imagine serving more and I'm almost ready to say "okay time for a break from the God part of life! I don't want to see anymore. I don't want to feel responsible anymore."

This morning, as I was crying out to the Lord, an overwhelming conviction came into my heart. I AM BLESSED. I am blessed to be chosen by the Lord for this. I am blessed to have held the dirty hands and kissed sticky cheeks. I am blessed to know the stories of broken women. I am blessed to have walked down poverty stricken streets and seen the faces of the broken. I am blessed to have met those that God's heart so clearly cares for. I am blessed to know the responsibility of loving the world. I am blessed to have felt the difficulty of following the Lord, even in a small way. 

Ayu and Geisha, a mother and daughter that I befriended

I'm grateful that I have walked down the roads that I have. I'm grateful that the Lord chose me for this, and now that I have seen, I am responsible. I am responsible to share with others. I am responsible to pray. I am responsible to give. I am responsible to go. I accept this with JOY because the Lord chose me for it. He called me to it. There are always going to be bumps in the road, and its not going to be any easy one to take, but I know that its worth it. Following the Lord is worth all the hard. Seeing people come to Jesus is worth it. I have a gift that this world needs to know about: redemption. freedom. I am responsible to take these gifts and let others know about them. And even though the past months were hard, I can say that they were worth it, and I will do it again.

For those who have seen, DO NOT FORGET. I beg of you to remember each day the faces you saw and the lives that touched yours. Remember the brokenness and seek what the Lord has called you to do about it. Stand in the gap for those people and lift them up to their ultimate Redeemer. For those who haven't yet seen, look for it. Brokenness, injustice, poverty, its all around us. Yes it may be more obvious in other parts of the world, but I'm positive that if you look hard enough you will find it. Then you too will be responsible, and you will be blessed with seeing a part of God's heart that is unique to those whom injustice expounds upon.

Girls of the Night

After  an hour car ride we get out of the car. I know the routine well since we come here once or twice a week. Maya, an Indonesian ywamer and I, begin our walk down the dark street. We pass where 16 year old Lisa should sit with her little wooden stand, selling drinks and rice packets to men. She isn't here on this night, probably because she didnt make enough money the night before to motivate her to sit on the side of the road from 7-3 again tonight. So we keep walking. We walk past many young girls, sitting with men double their age , talking, drinking or having a cup of coffee. I'm still confused with how it all works, but I know that sometimes their purchases are more than just cigarettes, sometimes it's actually the girl. We smile and wave at these girls, calling out the names of ones we know and continue our walk. Tonight we are headed to one specific girl. I've only met with her three or four times and she's quiet, so I'm not necessarily looking forward to our meeting. Maya and I approach her stand. "Rena!" we call out to her. She is there with her boyfriend whom Maya speaks to in indonesian. As we sit down with her I ask her how she is. The night before we had sat with her while she slept because she had gotten no sleep the night before. We sit with her for an hour tonight, and the things we find out about her life make my heart break for her. Rena is a 16 or 17 girl who works every night on the street. She lives with her 25 year old boyfriend, her boss, and another girl that works on the street. At some point in her life, her mother died. She borrowed money from her boss for the funeral and is now indebted 3,000,000 rupiah (350ish dollars) to her. Her father got remarried and she can't live in his home because her step mother is too mean to her. Then she got typhoid and had to borrow more money from her boss. She has been working off her 5,000,000 rupiah debt (about 560 dollars) for three years and is halfway through paying. She has been working on the street since she was 13. Staying out until 2 or 3 in the morning. Entertaining men who are often drunk. Being alone, in the dark, all night long. As I heard this news, I wanted to empty my bank account, give all the money to her and help her start a new life. As astonishing as all of this was to me, it is just normal life to her. We get up to leave and my heart breaks a little more. This is the last night we will be able to come see her. "Will you ever come back to Bali?" she asks me in Indonesian. I want to tell her that actually I'm staying and sitting with her every night and fixing all of her problems, but instead I give a lame "maybe one day" and head off on my way. As we walk away, I feel the urgency of her salvation. She needs Jesus to save her. She needs to know of her Heavenly Father's unmatched love for her. Maya promises that she will continue to come back and tell her, but still my heart breaks. Maya tells me about her conversation with Rena's boyfriend. When she introduced us, he told her that he already knew who we were because Rena had told her about her friends that come visit her every week. That's when it hit me. I'm her friend. I came to visit her and honestly thought she didn't want me there every time because of her shy nature, but I was so wrong. Just sitting with her every night and talking the little that we did impacted her hugely. We are her friends, and we got to show her how much we really truly care for her. As sad as I am to leave, I trust that Maya and the other women involved in the Nasi Jinggo ministry will love Rena and our other friends on that street well. I trust that the Lord knows each and every one of their stories and will continue to pursue their hearts. 
Our time in Bali has been so sweet. As excited as I am to be back in Hawaii and Tennessee, I'm going to miss this place immensely. The people we have made relationships with will be forever molded into my heart.